Insulting Services- New business venture

Chats during short office breaks (quite frequent ones for some) are at times refreshing to listen to and participate. Usually topics discussed are quite funny and can be stupid as well. These breaks are good to take and better than spy visits to social networking sites at times.

One such break made me come up with a funny venture to start: http://www.insultingservices.com

The details are as below:

About Insulting Services:

Insulting service is an ambitious venture by ex-corporate slaves who had the desire to have their own start-up but could not manage anything more viable than insultingservices.

Services Offered:

Insulting Services FK (go and find out what is FK. I hope you know what Ltd., INC etc are.) is the only company in world to offer insulting services (the frustrated lot). All those who are frustrated in this world with someone, (excluding themselves) can reach us and we will take over the responsibility of showering insult in a manner that is most demeaning for your ‘target’ to manage.

We have a great operational team and our quality department is IIB (International Insulting Board) certified. All our process is automated and our clients can run real-time aukaat assessment comparing their scores with their targets.

Most Important: We guarantee immunity from any kind of unlawful acts. Our insults are immune to harassment cases from Women Commission and other applicable laws of land*.
*Conditions apply

(notice the conditions in font size of 7). Please do not surf the site searching for the conditions and strain our servers. They are very close to our heart.

Modus Operandi:

Following steps to be followed strictly:

 1. Customers are required to sign Confidential agreement
2. Agrees that they are frustrated. What traits qualify you as “frustrated” please refer to ‘Definitions Section’
3. “Target” is named by Customer. Please refer to ‘Definitions section’
4. Post this an ‘aukaat assessment is conducted
5. Basis the results- expectation setting with Customer is done with regards to insult plan
6. Insult is bestowed on the target in such manner that the target is seen making such statements
    a. I know nothing what he/she knows.
    b. I am a useless fellow.
   c. I have lost respect and I am as good as heap of garbage on earth.
   d. While Go Green drive is on, let me contribute effectively by getting rid of this heap of garbage from earth
   e. There are some more open to target’s creativity.

Fees Structure:

Non-refundable and payable in advance. Since we do not believe in contributing to margins of scheduled banks in India.

1. Aukaat Assessment- INR 10,000 ; Non-residents INR 50,000. Be careful to refer to Definitions section to understand whether you qualify as “Non-resident”

2. Insulting Services (non-mystery based)- INR 50,000. At this stage options are following:
   a. INR 50,000 additional if target cleans the heap of garbage..he/she has to do himself
   b. INR 10,000 per month till the target survives. Applicable if you want your target to continue to pollute   earth.

Service tax applicable from next fiscal incase Finance minister decides to bring insulting services under Service tax net

Definitions:

1. Frustrated-We do not believe in re-stating the literal meaning of word “frustration”. Our customers are expected to be smart enough to refer to dictionaries for meaning of “frustration”

2. Frustration as defined by Insulting Services:
  a. Irritable behavior towards objects
  b. Talking to oneself
  c. Frowning while looking oneself in mirror
  d. Avoiding females- only for males
  e. Believes he knows everything in world
  f. Looks upon his/her boss as a loser
  g. Wants to do a lot but is lazy to take action
  h. Believes CURRENT CTC is 10% of his FUTURE CTC

3. Non-resident– is one who qualifies any one of the following:
  a. Monthly Salary * 40% = total EMIs paid per month
  b. Lives on a rented house- likes of 3 bedrooms squeezed in 450 sqft
  c. Housing loan- >15 years due but believes he owns the house
  d. Lives in India but dreams to quit India with the first opportunity offered
  e. Lives a dual life- a true professional at work and non-cooperative/rude husband at home

4. Aukaat– is the profile in terms of past education and years of experience; domain knowledge; current earnings; last increment earned; preference of boss; FAQ (Female attractiveness quotient) only for males

Contact Us:

If you care for yourself you will never try to reach us but still if you are that typical type of human please reach us.

Look within. We are sitting just next to “frustration” in our heart.