Indecisiveness is good?

All our actions in life are goaled towards ‘Certainty’. The more we have it the better we feel. However, indecisiveness is a personality trait that is common across most of us unless it is chronic. We are indecisive about which course of action to take. Our preferences swing like a pendulum between choices at hand. As per Behavioral scientists indecisiveness emanates from the need to achieve certainty. So for a layman ‘Certainty’ is root of indecisiveness.

Consider the indecisiveness that a teenager undergoes when she is not clear of what interests here. Symptoms of poor motivation, high peer pressure, low self-awareness etc. may be evident in her personality. Similarly, consider a professional who is to choose one job offer from the two options he has. Firstly, if she approaches it rationally, final call can be taken post listing out pros and cons for each option and then chose the one that has higher no. of pros. Alternatively, we may have a situation where the professional is impulsive and opts to accept the job offer that assures ‘Certainty’ to any of the priorities he has defined for himself. For instance, more salary, dream company, better job profile, better designation, proximity to residence etc. In most cases some or the other bias exists that impacts our decision-making.  

Indecisiveness despite several disadvantages has several benefits while preparing us better for ‘Certainty’ in our lives. If it’s not chronic, since that’s a psychological disorder, it is good to be indecisive at times. There are several reasons for this:

1.      Multiple factors impact any decision and most of them are unknown to us. Such hidden factors are revealed usually with time unless we have a researcher’s approach.

2.      We do not control all the factors that influence our decision.

3.      We will have to define a pecking order of the factors for their relative impact on the decision to be taken.

4.      It prepares us better to face the risk associated with a decision since we have run through all possible scenarios in our imagination.

Marriage – Duties and Desires




“Aaj Sunday hain. Chalo….kuch Toofani karte
hai, Lets sit with our wife for 24 hours..

…….darr sab ko lagta hain, par darr ke aage jeet
hain”

Jokes on married couples are a norm. Whether they
are forwarded on Whats app or shared at social gatherings, husband-wife
relation is presented more in humor than as a serious affair. Each person is
happy taunting at any opportunity, on the misgivings of the other. While multitude
factors are at play in any relationship, ‘taken for granted’ is one of them
that is at the root of all issues.

‘Taken for granted’ in our patriarchal society,
is role of woman groomed over the years to give priority to brother, husband,
her in-laws and children over herself. ‘Taken for granted’ in the sense that
husband expects his wife to be care-taker for her parents and kids, seeks his
permission before any decision, ready with freshly cooked food and available
for sex when demanded.

‘Taken for granted’ is the husband who is
expected to be a funder for educating kids, buying jewellery, house, save
enough in case he dies during his working life and protects his family. “Taken
for granted’ are his efforts to survive the downturns of business or a job.

With no deliberate attempt to generalize the
relationship of husband-wife, it’s a relation that has to attend to its duties,
both singly and jointly as a couple, and also live their desires. Desires can
be anything that an individual wants to do without worrying for
comfort/discomfort of the other. A desire may be any action that the holder
feels should not bother his/her partner when pursued.

Marriage is one of the 4 most important occasions
in life of a human being; the other three being Birth, Choice of Profession and
Death. Decision to get married, comes for some post a love relation or is arranged
by parents. One of the major reasons to get married is to obtain a ‘No
Objection’ tag from society. Other obvious reasons for getting married could
be: parents asked me to, loneliness, someone to attend to my needs, have a
family, get wealth in dowry to start own business etc. etc. I believe you do
not need to get married to win your love of life.

My intention is not to question the reasons
but point to the fact that ‘intent’ and ‘commitment’ demanded is something to
be given due consideration while taking decisions. Most of us get married at an
age where we are biologically eligible but lack the experience to commit into
almost an irreversible relationship; atleast in Indian society.

Commitment to a relation cannot be forced
upon, it comes when it’s felt from within. So it is like angelic beneficence
that calls for selfless dedication in expectation of winning over the other. This
does not come easily and those who claim to have this ‘angelic beneficence’
will at other times recall their contribution as a ‘sacrifice’.

Duties are the responsibilities we have to attend
to as husband or wife. It has no connotation to love or compatibility. Since
marriage is a social need, the duties that come with it are also a social
requirement. They are to be attended whether one likes it or not. Building
expectations of better compatibility and love from our partners since you attending
to duties is wrongly placed. It infact, comes from independence that couples gives to
each other and respects each other’s feelings and desires.

So while duties keep us together, desires will
keep propping and should be attended to by each partner whether individually or
together. It may be true that marriages are made in heaven but on earth we
still have our individualities, our identities distinct from our life partners.
 
After all, FALLING IN LOVE is an incident in life while MARRIAGE is a decision of life.