Being a parent

Till the time your spouse gets you a new partner in your house who will conquer everything ever we owned and earned, we never realize what it is to be a parent. 

When my wife was admitted to hospital on labor pain, this was when we both were just 26 years old, my parents asked me stay at home with my younger sister. My sister taunts me when no call from parents at hospital for a while, ‘What kind of a husband you are? She expects you with her not your parents.’ 

When finally my parents called to intimate that she is admitted to hospital, I was irritated. I wanted to tell them that I am grown up to be a parent and I share a special relationship with her and it’s not just a simple husband-wife relationship under a compulsion to prove a point later to her. 

But I could not tell them what I felt and just asked them when could I be  in hospital to see her. They being parents still understood my discomfort and asked me to be at hospital by afternoon.

She was in pains intermittently. I am anxious and worried more for her than the gift I was due to have. Finally, on June 13, I was a parent, a father. 

A song best describes when I drive back home everyday , “Gaddian ne der na kareen, saadhi jindaahdi udeeke saahnu…”. ( my bike do not delay me, my life awaits me at home). 

I am tired when I step in. I want to be smiling but then there’s a lag in it. I switch my life from dependence on brains to heart and then try best to give a patient hearing to what my angels tell me- my spouse, my daughters. 

I am heart broken when they try to put up a smiling face, reveal all is well even when few things did not go the way they expected in their lives for the day. I realise I am a parent and have to be double sure before uttering words that comfort them, make them smile and relax. 

I miss them and miss them badly when not around. I am learning to be a parent and hope to be so before it’s too late. 

I am Unhappy

Something is not letting me be happy. I am again failing to be happy with what I have. Why am I resistant to constraints? Why can’t I realize that they are all part of life?

I want my kids to be doing what is best for them. I want them to study well, be disciplined and acquire skills as early as possible. 
I want my spouse to be free to shop her heart out. But then why am I feeling that its waste of time for her to shop for so long?
I did not give reasons for not doing it but did not visit my family friends when they lost their mother. But I know it makes me unhappy.
I know worshipping is a soulful experience. It gives me pleasure, peace of mind and calmness. But then I am not praying at all and that makes me unhappy.
I know its too late in this life but I want to pursue a course in photo journalism. I am trying hard to not let it make me unhappy.
I want to be doing things that I love to. I am trying hard and also putting a great deal of perseverance to shift my priorities between work ( that helps make my living), photography, writing, reading and sports. But then its time that I limit my attention to just a couple non-conflicting interests. This means I need to sacrifce a few of them but this thought makes me unhappy.

Of late, I am interested in impact of behavioral economics on decision-making. Pyschology is a subject too complex and varied and I now relate to it to be better at knowing myself. But this realization that it may be late makes me unhappy. 
I miss so many people I have known, who cared for me but then not being in touch with them makes me unhappy.
I want this phase of unhappiness pass quicky but then it may and will keep returning if I act less and think more. And till that happens, I will be unhappy and happy in turns. 

I am the last one to be rational

I never act to be different but then people known to me think differently. In other words, people prefer adherence to convention and interpret every action of mine from a rational perspective.

Some of the most irrational acts by me till date are:

1.  I did not attend any of the funerals in my family including that of my grandfather with whom I slept for years as a child. Though,  I still see and talk to him in dreams.

2.  I pre-inform my existing employer that I want to exit. I did this with 3 of my 5 employers. 

3. I am in need of money but then thats not what neccessarily motivates me. This is proven by empirical research but we are short of people who think otherwise. Even my daughter who is just 13 years old thinks otherwise. 

4. I decided to live my commitment to love of my life to marry her and I did when I was just a student.

5. I claim to be rational when I am the last one to be so.