Debt and Decisions

Some 5 years back, my investment advisor addressed my dilemma to build personal assets, savings etc. but asked me to create a liability first. This was quite logical and I am being a finance professional had been raising debt for companies that was at least twice their own equity in the business.

In 2012, I heeded to the advise and raised a home and a personal loan. I used the money to buy a house. With this decision the incremental outflow was going to be 45% of my monthly income. I sensed pressure on cash flows for first few months.

I stopped checking my bank account frequently. Passed on the responsibility of managing the household expenses to my spouse. I diverted my attention to other details in life as if saving money was a foregone thought. I did have moments of fear and helplessness. I exploited my credit card limits to meet my urgent needs of cash and in repayment made the issuing bank double its profits.

Today, after 5-year repayment, I decided to sell the property and foreclose the debt. This will give me the needed cash inflow to create liquid asset that has no corresponding liability to meet. However, no wealth created in process.

The main reason for not creating wealth is lack of discipline. I have come to believe its only self to be responsible for decisions.

Learnings from my daughter

The ease with which my younger daughter transitions into new environment, new roles and new responsibilities is commendable.

I have seen her spending more time with tasks she is not comfortable or at par with others. She may have defined some target. I am not aware of the same.

I personally avoid tasks that I am not good at, justifying the same as ‘priortizing’ on what I am good at or rationalizing under pretext of limited time and resources. 

I will be attempting to observe her more keenly and try mastering some of her traits for rest of my life.

Questions- sincere attempt at self-introspecton

Why do I tend to get upset when people disagree with me? Is it arrogance? Is it some unpleasant experience that comes to influence my behavior towards a particular person or a situation?

Why do I keep reasoning within, I am right? Why can I not shut my mouth for matters I may have opinion on but not utter anything?

Why Am I so over enthusiastic and then on facing a little criticism, I fall apart? 

Why will I fall into words, moods or opinions of others and make them my own understanding and feelings?

Why am I not learning from my past mistakes and repeated ones in similar situations? 

Why do I try to go overboard in building a repo as a performer in employment? 

Why am I so insecure? Why am I so insecure about a job? Why did I forget so soon, the desperation when I quit my last job and unemployed for 4 months?

Why do I fail to realize that the world is both smart and fool to know your shortcomings?

Is it my too sincere a feedback that may bring people to connect with me but subsequently withdraw as well?

Am I too adamant as a human?

What is my problem in life?

Am I not trustworthy? Am I an opportunist? Am I risk averse?

Have I ever loved anyone truly other than Monica? Why does she continues to be an anchor in my life?

Why do I regret when I forget to consciously remember my daughter who is in a boarding school? 

Am I too sick/fool/lazy to priortize in my life? Am I inefficient? 

When will I be my true self? 

Am I a fool? Am I clever? Am I an atheist? Am I a manipulator? 

Are all of the above words of a pessimist?

Thinking Women

I have evolved in my thinking and feelings for opposite sex. I am entering 40s  now.

In my teens, I looked upon girls as attractive and beautiful to stare at. Good to talk and be in their company. By my late teens, I did not mind fantasing having sex with any of those I felt attracted to. 

In early twenties, the feeling for the one I fell for was of commitment and respect. But for others it turned indifferent. I did  think for anyone other than my love. 

In my late twenties, the relationship with females extended to being a father as well. It did not matter to me about the gender of my kid. My emotions towards females otherwise continued to be of indifference. However, I did not spare a glance if someone with attractive-physical attributes passed by. 

In early thirties, despite parenting one more daughter, my approach towards females hovered around their physical attributes. I did not mind talking to ones I felt attracted to. Discussions with some extended to sharing their preferences about sex as well. At this phase of life, my belief about women seeking a purpose before deciding to have sex were put to test. Some preferred to give it a try or ‘experience difference’ but not without ensuring the secrecy of the act. 

In my late thirties, my approach with women was more balanced. Even if some opened up about their unhappiness including but not limited to physical needs, I did not end-up in bed fantasing to have sex with them. The nuetrality has returned and approach is ‘as it comes’ and no effort to impress anyone with any special interest. 

Today, when I am in early 40s, the whole physical thing has vanished. I am no longer interested in even a stare. Forget fantasing. I have begun to feel that women are different when it comes to their approach towards events in life. Let them the way they are. Let them be free in what they want to. Never preach them. Advise only when asked to and with no expectations of bein rewarded in any manner.

Today, I seem to be laughing more at jokes of husband-wife and how women at times miss a point that a man is trying to make. Despite all of physical attraction etc. In early stage of my life, I have never been aggressive towards any of them. 

I will continue to be so but why spare a laughter on driving skills of women. I am now sure they do not need special treatment. They love and prefer to be close to men who are casual towards them, less demanding and generous (ofcourse in spending; they all love gifts- pun intended).

Happy Women’s Day

Picking up a sport

Monica is overwhelmed by the fact that she is back in Chandigarh and can now easily get our daughters to pick sport of their liking. 

My elder daughter does have a strong built but she may not be very regular with any of the sports she is pursuing. But its a different story with regards to my younger daughter.

Within first 10 days of skating in a ring under the supervision of a trained coach, she is gaining the confidence and getting adept at speed skating. Coach has words of appreciation for her and sees a lot of promise in her.

When we were in Delhi, my daughter was doing great at Karate, Bharatnatyam and drawing. Here in Chandigarh, I as her father wants her to continue with Bharatnatyam and Karate. I believe Karate will help her maintain the flexibility and agility she has gained while being in Delhi. Also, I believe her ability to use her drawing skills will keep the creative quotient at peak.

All of these expectations as parents is most likely to build a pressure on our daughter. “Ensure that you do not get carried away by the importance of sport and let her studies suffer”, is my remark to Monica.

I realise that studies no longer guaranttee a future but nor does sports. So we as parents have to be extra careful to find a balance and not burden our angel with multiple activities.