No Point – thinking about a few things in life

Most of the times my mind is thinking a lot many things, but not able to focus singly on one issue. I lost a few productive hours of my day. But I do not want to lose them henceforth.

I have been focusing on reviewing my cognitive thinking and finding it to be mostly following a historical path. No amount of reasoning and self-control is helping it take a more ‘rational’ approach. The thinking continues to be extensions of past experiences.  My concerns center around destiny, uncertainty, commitment, results from hard work, success as a ‘random event’ and death – ending life.

The best I can afford is ‘ignore’ when these concerns come to mind. I have fallen for them in the past. I have subjected my ‘heart’ to the same rut that my mind has been repeating. The ‘unlearning’ has failed till date until when I am tipsy.

Over the years, I have realized that there is no point in deliberating about few things. There is no point even talking about them.

Ladakh Again

After several months of planning and itineary preparation we set out for our third consecutive trip to Ladakh. 

We started on July 8 morning from Chandigarh and returned on July 18 2017. This trip was shortest of the past two trips.

Biking on roads at high altitudes is something we have got accustomed to. We face no major health issues and when it comes to speed and control of our bikes, we have got better, every passing year. 

Key highlights of the trip were:

A. We did not follow the itinerary strictly. We ventured onto Zanskar Sumdo road but after covering some 30 km we decided to return. We did not reach Krugiak. The roads are bad but worst was that the area was deserted with no tourists at all. I had personally expected some pleasant weather and landscape that were different from the usual Ladakh landscape.

B. We did stop at Keylong when I realized that I had left my wallet at a dhaba in Marhi- enroute Rohtang pass. Thanks for the cooperative policeman who helped us trace it and then instruct his colleagues at Marhi police station to keep it safe till I we returned.

C. It did not rain en-route this year and despite being at high altitudes it was unusually very hot- may be we were comparing our experience to last year same period.

D. We experienced rains in Leh for the first time. Khardungla was closed on the day we planned to head to Nubra Valley. Further, Shyok river was flooded and not safe for biking. We dropped the plan to head towards Nubra Valley and via Shyok to Tso Moriri lake. 

E. We spent lot of time on recording videos of the moments unlike in last two years when I atleast focused on taking pics.

F. All three of us left our belongings couple of times. Lucky to find them back though.

G. We had two friends joining us at Leh.

H. Breakfast paid by Imran was one of the best I had in sometime. Fell in love with oats porridge mixed with pieces of banana and sprinkled liquid chocolate.

I. Mohsin was much fitter compared to last year.

J. Aditya had gained weight. Further, was more confident while riding his bike. Though he kept missing Sunil – his fellow rider from last year.

K. We promised not to return back to Ladakh and if we did not go beyond Leh to Pangong lake and or Nubra Valley. 

L. We split with Swati and she decided to return from Sarchu.

M. I wanted to find sometime alone and focus on few things I would have loved to but could not do so.

N. Aditya had his raincoat tangled in rear spricket of his bike and Mohsin was lucky not to get hurt while helping Aditya pull his bike out of a rough patch on muddy road with loose gravels and water overflowing. 

O. Main market of Leh is a place to spend good time. We did justice to this time. We tried Punjabi Tadka, Brazil Cafe and Ladakh-Yeti cafe.

P. Walking for some 30 minutes post a full day of ride is very relaxing.

Q. When it comes to riding at high altitudes limit the ride to max 100 km per day.

R. Was enlightened about Israel and its citizens by Khursheed.

S. We may do North east and or Bhutan next year. 

Credits:

“WE” – Mohsin, Aditya, Jaspal

“Two friends”- Aatif and Khursheed

Debt and Decisions

Some 5 years back, my investment advisor addressed my dilemma to build personal assets, savings etc. but asked me to create a liability first. This was quite logical and I am being a finance professional had been raising debt for companies that was at least twice their own equity in the business.

In 2012, I heeded to the advise and raised a home and a personal loan. I used the money to buy a house. With this decision the incremental outflow was going to be 45% of my monthly income. I sensed pressure on cash flows for first few months.

I stopped checking my bank account frequently. Passed on the responsibility of managing the household expenses to my spouse. I diverted my attention to other details in life as if saving money was a foregone thought. I did have moments of fear and helplessness. I exploited my credit card limits to meet my urgent needs of cash and in repayment made the issuing bank double its profits.

Today, after 5-year repayment, I decided to sell the property and foreclose the debt. This will give me the needed cash inflow to create liquid asset that has no corresponding liability to meet. However, no wealth created in process.

The main reason for not creating wealth is lack of discipline. I have come to believe its only self to be responsible for decisions.

Learnings from my daughter

The ease with which my younger daughter transitions into new environment, new roles and new responsibilities is commendable.

I have seen her spending more time with tasks she is not comfortable or at par with others. She may have defined some target. I am not aware of the same.

I personally avoid tasks that I am not good at, justifying the same as ‘priortizing’ on what I am good at or rationalizing under pretext of limited time and resources. 

I will be attempting to observe her more keenly and try mastering some of her traits for rest of my life.

Questions- sincere attempt at self-introspecton

Why do I tend to get upset when people disagree with me? Is it arrogance? Is it some unpleasant experience that comes to influence my behavior towards a particular person or a situation?

Why do I keep reasoning within, I am right? Why can I not shut my mouth for matters I may have opinion on but not utter anything?

Why Am I so over enthusiastic and then on facing a little criticism, I fall apart? 

Why will I fall into words, moods or opinions of others and make them my own understanding and feelings?

Why am I not learning from my past mistakes and repeated ones in similar situations? 

Why do I try to go overboard in building a repo as a performer in employment? 

Why am I so insecure? Why am I so insecure about a job? Why did I forget so soon, the desperation when I quit my last job and unemployed for 4 months?

Why do I fail to realize that the world is both smart and fool to know your shortcomings?

Is it my too sincere a feedback that may bring people to connect with me but subsequently withdraw as well?

Am I too adamant as a human?

What is my problem in life?

Am I not trustworthy? Am I an opportunist? Am I risk averse?

Have I ever loved anyone truly other than Monica? Why does she continues to be an anchor in my life?

Why do I regret when I forget to consciously remember my daughter who is in a boarding school? 

Am I too sick/fool/lazy to priortize in my life? Am I inefficient? 

When will I be my true self? 

Am I a fool? Am I clever? Am I an atheist? Am I a manipulator? 

Are all of the above words of a pessimist?