Staying Silent Helps?

Being silent

I have a very strange ‘experience’ with silence. Or maybe replace ‘experience’ with ‘relationship.’

As a kid, I was silent whether at school or home. But I was not silent as I grew up. As I aged, in my teens, I had my views and feelings, but most of them were kept to myself (not expressed) to Mom. She, too occupied with household chores, may have missed my feelings or rants. Today, as I approach 50 in a couple of years, I hear from my daughters the instances my Mom shares with them.

Coming back to my relationship with silence, it was lost as I turned 20 and fell in love. The girl I dated was a veteran in mastering silence. She spoke so little but expressed a lot with her expressions and gestures. I fell in love. I unknowingly started talking more. The reasons I can recall are: to make her know me well, to show my commitment to her (I loved the way she was), to convince my acquaintances and parents of my love and commitment to her.

For the next two decades, I forgot what silence is. It started creeping in during my pre-40s, slowly without me realizing it until I became contemplative about myself. Whether at work or home, I was too engaged in the lives of others (family and work).

My experience with ‘silence’ is resurfacing. I feel I have lost more when I’m not silent. I spoke a lot (my chatter to my mind, and to the ones I felt knew me and were committed to me). I was wrong.

I am trying to be silent. Just as my parents complained in my teens about me ‘not being the same kid’ they nurtured, I am facing the same with my wife and kids. If I speak at all, I am joked about as being ‘too preachy’ or ‘probing.’ If I stay silent, I am critiqued for being careless and too selfish.

As I write this, I am committed to ‘silence’ and will remain ‘silent’ even at the cost of someone killing me.

I don’t want to convince myself before anyone anymore. I am done with it.